Beyond the Picket Fence

I like photography because it reminds me that life is beautiful. I try to be an optimist but that label doesn't really fit me. I consider myself more of a realist. Truth is beautiful. I try to weave together glossy pictures with catchy captions...but sometimes it is the grainy pictures and raw words that hold the most power. There is beauty in truth because it is tangible and so relate-able. People know truth when they see it. Truth is I hate texting. Truth is I love my friends but I am lazy about keeping in close touch. Truth is I love being a “stay-at-home-mom”.

That last truth is one which has taken me four years to claim. I began motherhood tentatively…I was afraid to be defined by “the picket fence". Being a mother seemed to mean giving up so much and I struggled with how to balance it all. At times, I resented the general expectation that I would be the one who was the full-time caregiver. The financial reality was that as the lower earning parent I was the only feasible candidate for staying at home. So I reluctantly set out on the path of a stay-at-home-mom.

When I was first expecting R I had only been working for a couple of years. I planned to have my baby, take my maternity leave and then return to work. It had taken me a long time to decide to become a teacher (as well as a lot of schooling). I wanted to pursue my career which had barely gotten off the ground. I insisted to anyone who would listen that I would be returning to work full time.

Then R was born and my role as a mother was launched. As I stayed home with my baby daughter I realized that being a mom was a tough gig! The thought of entertaining this growing toddler daily was daunting but I just wasn't ready to leave her in someone else's care. RKA and I were barely out of starving student mode so we were used to making monetary sacrifices and we quickly reverted to our familiar cheapskate lifestyle and I took extra unpaid leave from full-time teaching. Sacrifices were made, Rick rode a scooter and I wore out-dated shoes...but we were happy!

RKA and I loved being parents and once R turned one we decided to have another baby. Nine months later B was born - our son! Life with two under two was busy but I slowly began to feel more comfortable in my role as “mommy”. Yet, I was feeling even more unsettled about my career situation. Now I would be missing two children if I went to work. These two kids who grow and change by the minute...just when I think I have it figured out they change again!

I started teaching on call here and there to make a bit of money and also just to get out of the house and dust off my teaching hat. R&B were watched by family which made it easy but I still missed them while I was working. Also, teaching on call is not the same as teaching your own classroom (think crowd control). Then I would get home and be exhausted and out of patience for my own two kids. It just wasn't working for us. I wanted to be home with my kids!

So it has been an evolution of a mindset. In the beginning I was so focused on maintaining my position as a full-time teacher that I wasn't considering the growth and change in our family from then until now. I remained fixated on the idea of returning to work full-time but it never sat right with me. I couldn't really wrap my head around kissing my kids goodbye every morning and going to work with other people's kids while missing my own. It has been a four year evolution of a mindset and now there is nowhere I would rather be than at home with my kids. Truth is I love my picket fence!